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Friday, February 5, 2010

Acceptance

So often I wish I could change my personality. Of course I know this is logically impossible. And I also know this discontentment with how God created me isn't healthy or honoring of Him. I don't want to think this way, but I find the thoughts creeping in over and over.

At 28 I can still be crippled by shyness. And, with a year and a half of continual changes and adjustments to marriage, a new city, 2 churches, 3 jobs, apartment living, and trying to make friends, I've grown weary of my inability to overcome this shyness. I let fear of embarrassment and assumption that people don't really care, hold me back from talking and letting people get to know me. I've always been this way, but as an adult, I imagine it looks worse than as a shy kid. Literally, Jeremy and I can go to social events and I say almost nothing after the "hello, how are you" start.

I long to be more outgoing, to not second-guess every word I think about saying (and usually decide not to say). It's so hard for me not to compare myself to the bubbly, easy-going girls I see all over the place. I envy them. They seem to enjoy everything more fully. They can converse and laugh and participate without having to open their mouths around the molasses feelings of shyness and then agonize over what they just said. They have their troubles too, I'm sure. But today, if I could choose, I'd like to be the happy, outgoing, easy-going, optimistic kind of girl.

Will I ever learn to really accept that God made me as the quieter, more observant, shy kind of girl and that's okay too?

5 comments:

Kim said...

I'm not shy and sometimes I wish I had molasses mouth, as I sometimes feel too loud, too wordy, slightly obnoxious. But we are what we are - chatty and out there or soft-spoken and sweet. For the record, I love who you are - I love that you radiate a peace and gentleness, that you are so nurturing. I love how you love others, but also the great sense of humor you have. I think you are fantastic. :)

Jeremy said...

I understand the shyness but you are not quite as shy as the girl I met nearly 3 years ago. You do indeed have a quiet peace that others envy and an intelligence that is highly attractive. I sometimes wish I could be different, too. But I am glad that you are who you are....and I have seen you talk more than a few words. Truly. It's wonderful to have met you, my dear.

Pam-Mom said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. We all love you just the way you are! I just read a story to preschoolers this week called Lumpa Lou Elephant in which the elephant always wishes she were like someone else and continues to make herself unhappy because she does not recognize all her good qualities. Don't fool yourself....those so-called non-shy girls have their insecurities also!

Lana Joy said...

Sometimes I think when I finally accepted that I am this way (as you well know), part of it changed. I'm still introverted, but I do more freely share things. Why? I don't know. When and How did I manage? I don't know that either. But in the last few years, at least at work and in small group, I've opened up a little. It's freeing. I hope you can find a place that feels safe enough to do it, because I know how priceless that freedom from the shyness can be.
You're terribly shy cousin,
Lana

Dr. Larry Deutsch said...

Hypnosis can also boost confidence. With proper guidance, one can become assertive, expressive, confident and in control. Enjoying a positive outlook in life can achieve goals easily.

 
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